Day 5 - My Drunk-A-Log

I had my first drink at the age of 17. I also became pregnant on that same night with my first child who is 40 years old today. Like many of us, I found the immediate rush that poured over me like a warm blanket to be the most exquisite feeling I had ever experienced. It took all of 2 beers to put me into a blackout as I don’t remember much of anything from that night other than walking through the snow with my boyfriend to his car to bring me home. I had vomit in my hair and on my clothes and the only thing that saved me from disapproving parents was the Christmas party they were throwing at my house. When I got home, they were both three sheets to the wind and didn’t even notice how I looked, insisting that I meet all of their friends. It wouldn’t be until a couple of months later that I would learn I was pregnant. I will skip as much non-essential dribble as possible as my career was long and hardy. My boyfriend, who became my husband when we were both 17, was a hard drinker already. A good man, but a crazy drunk. And shortly after I became a mother I got down to business in my own addiction. Because my parents, both educated and holding down good jobs were alcoholics, alcohol had a prominent presence in my house. Martinis every night. As you can imagine, the marriage was over in less than 6 years due mostly to our non-readiness to be tied down to a marriage and kids, all fueled with daily intake of alcohol – lots of it. Shortly before we divorced, I drove out to the liquor store to get a bottle with my 2 year old daughter standing in the front seat beside me. Those were the days before car seats. I left her in the car to make the buy and to my horror, while I was paying the man who owned the store for the bottle, the car rolled out of the store driveway and onto a local highway. My daughter was terrified and I froze in terror. Fortunately, the store owner dashed outside and into the car and drove it back into the driveway. I had left not only my daughter in the car…..but also my keys! Nothing was going to get between me and my bottle on that day and that experience haunts me to this day to a degree I can’t find the words to describe. It’s a shining example of where alcohol can take us and also take those we love. That is proof positive to me of God as the car could have been hit by other cars and trucks on that highway, but miraculously wasn’t. As the years went by I continued to drink, never having any jackpots or legal trouble and I remarried in my mid twenties. I had another child and was still a stay at home Mom. I drank during the day only to get cocktails ready for my husband and me when he got home from work. I was in a black out nearly every night and don’t remember what I said or did or when and how I got to bed. As the kids grew I know they were aware of my drinking problem but they were all too respectful to ever have said anything to me about it. When she was about 15 my daughter caught me swigging vodka out of a bottle while I was making drinks for my husband and me. You see, I always made the drinks. That was my territory and I defended it fiercely. I would make my husband’s vodka and tonic with one shot of vodka and fill the glass with tonic water. I would make mine with one shot of tonic water and fill the glass with vodka. Since my husband, who by now also knew I was in trouble with booze, set a limit on evening cocktails at 2 a night, I made sure I got enough vodka in those 2 drinks to put an elephant to sleep. And of course I continued to swig from the bottle while making the drinks. In 1992 the company I worked for went out of business and I now had a lot of time to drink with no kids or husband around. After about 8 months of hiatus from work I got very sick one morning with unbearable stomach pain. Turned out I had acute pancreatitis and was put on morphine for a week in the hospital. Within a month of this event I started drinking again. I found work again and made good money. I left my husband and took an apartment. I let a jerk of a man I thought cared for me live with me and he used me for 2 years. Took everything I had to offer, the apartment, food, sex, even babysitting for his 3 kids, until I finally kicked him out 2 years later. My husband and I got back together and I continued to drink. I lost my job because I just didn’t feel like working and knew my husband would support me. Staying at home drinking seemed ever so much more fun that going to work. That was in November of 1997. In August of 1998 I got sick again but this time my belly blew up and I looked 9 months pregnant. My legs swelled so full of water I was unable to lift them. I was diagnosed with Alcohol Hepatitis and the resulting Ascites which is excess fluid in the space between the tissues lining the abdomen and abdominal organs. Amazingly, I came back to normal with the expert help of a gastroenterologist who put me on the powerful diuretics Lasix, and Aldactone. I peed constantly for 2 weeks and lost an amazing 60 pounds in no less time! And….as I’m sure you can guess, I started drinking again soon after getting back to normal. I tried all the tricks of the trade, drinking only beer, not drinking alone, limiting my drinks all of which I failed at miserably. I am an isolator and few people have ever seen me drunk other than my family. I could very easily go out socially, have 1-2 drinks and leave only to come home and finish off a pint of vodka. I drank in the bathroom if my husband was home, else anywhere in the house I felt like it when he was not. In 2000, I actually had a year’s sobriety. We moved to California to be near our daughter and I got a wonderful job working for a missile defense think tank. In 2001 I started drinking again. Everyone who worked for that company needed to gain a Top Secret Security Clearance and so my investigation got going. After 1.5 years with still no answer on my clearance from the Dept of State, I knew they had seen my hospital and medical records and that my drinking career had made that job impossibility for me. Having any hint of alcohol or drug abuse in one’s history excludes one from clearance of any kind. I left my husband yet again and took an apartment where my drinking spiraled upward to the point that I could not go to work. In early 2002 I entered my first rehab and learned about AA. But again, I started drinking not 2 weeks after being released. I lost my job and moved back to my husband and both of us moved back to Massachusetts which is really home to us. I found work right away and we bought a condo in 2003. In the fall of 2005 I began drinking in the morning – two 16 oz beers – before going to work. I worked alone in the job I had as secretary for a VP in the employment industry. My boss was almost never in the office so it was easy for me to keep my booze secret from him. When money got tight and I feared I might not have enough for a bottle (a terrifying fear at the time) I would steal quarters out of my boss’s desk. He always dumped his change there and there was always $15-$20 in his desk. He was the nicest man to work for and is still a good friend today. Need I say how that ugly fact made me hate myself even more than already did for my so-called secret boozing. In early December I knew I needed help and one morning I called in sick then called the number on my health insurance card for a place I could go and be detoxed. They sent me to a hospital with a locked mental health unit and I stayed there for 2 weeks. Between then and the present I have gone into rehab numerous times and relapsed endless times. In January of 2008 I hit what I certainly hope was my bottom. A friend in the program once told me “Every bottom has a trap door” and I try to keep that in mind today when the thought of a drink enters my mind. My bottom was drinking myself into oblivion and falling down the stairs in the condo last January. I also fell in the hallway upstairs on the same day. From those falls I received a broken clavicle (collar bone), a torn rotator cuff, a fractured lumbar vertebrae and lots of bruises. I looked like I’d been run over by a train. I truly was a TRAIN WRECK. That incident scared me as the physical pain sidelined me on the couch for almost a month sucking down extra-strength aspirin every couple of hours for the excruciating pain in my shoulder and back. I finally went to the doctor who confirmed the injuries and set me on a course of physical recovery which is far easier than the ongoing recovery in need in mind, soul and spirit and which I am given free of charge in the wonderful fellowship of AA. I would be dead without it for sure. Today I am in relatively good health. I am a diabetic, due in no small part to the 40 years of abuse I dished out to my pancreas, and I have serious dental issues that I hope to be resolved this year. I am grateful to be alive and in one piece today and thank my Higher Power whom I know as God for keeping me alive and leading me to write this blog in an effort to stay sober. I go to a meeting every day except Sunday which I devote to being at home with my husband who has stood by me through the worst days. We’ve had our issues and neither of us is without blame for the discord in our relationship but today we get along well and appreciate each other in a way I don’t think we ever did before. I have returned to my church and have found that extremely helpful for my sobriety too. Going to meetings, asking for help and working the steps in my daily life are encouraging me to stay on my quest for lasting sobriety and I hope that 2010 is my year for a medallion!

Day 5 - My Drunk-A-Log

I had my first drink at the age of 17. I also became pregnant on that same night with my first child who is 40 years old today. Like many of us, I found the immediate rush that poured over me like a warm blanket to be the most exquisite feeling I had ever experienced. It took all of 2 beers to put me into a blackout as I don’t remember much of anything from that night other than walking through the snow with my boyfriend to his car to bring me home. I had vomit in my hair and on my clothes and the only thing that saved me from disapproving parents was the Christmas party they were throwing at my house. When I got home, they were both three sheets to the wind and didn’t even notice how I looked, insisting that I meet all of their friends. It wouldn’t be until a couple of months later that I would learn I was pregnant. I will skip as much non-essential dribble as possible as my career was long and hardy. My boyfriend, who became my husband when we were both 17, was a hard drinker already. A good man, but a crazy drunk. And shortly after I became a mother I got down to business in my own addiction. Because my parents, both educated and holding down good jobs were alcoholics, alcohol had a prominent presence in my house. Martinis every night. As you can imagine, the marriage was over in less than 6 years due mostly to our non-readiness to be tied down to a marriage and kids, all fueled with daily intake of alcohol – lots of it. Shortly before we divorced, I drove out to the liquor store to get a bottle with my 2 year old daughter standing in the front seat beside me. Those were the days before car seats. I left her in the car to make the buy and to my horror, while I was paying the man who owned the store for the bottle, the car rolled out of the store driveway and onto a local highway. My daughter was terrified and I froze in terror. Fortunately, the store owner dashed outside and into the car and drove it back into the driveway. I had left not only my daughter in the car…..but also my keys! Nothing was going to get between me and my bottle on that day and that experience haunts me to this day to a degree I can’t find the words to describe. It’s a shining example of where alcohol can take us and also take those we love. That is proof positive to me of God as the car could have been hit by other cars and trucks on that highway, but miraculously wasn’t. As the years went by I continued to drink, never having any jackpots or legal trouble and I remarried in my mid twenties. I had another child and was still a stay at home Mom. I drank during the day only to get cocktails ready for my husband and me when he got home from work. I was in a black out nearly every night and don’t remember what I said or did or when and how I got to bed. As the kids grew I know they were aware of my drinking problem but they were all too respectful to ever have said anything to me about it. When she was about 15 my daughter caught me swigging vodka out of a bottle while I was making drinks for my husband and me. You see, I always made the drinks. That was my territory and I defended it fiercely. I would make my husband’s vodka and tonic with one shot of vodka and fill the glass with tonic water. I would make mine with one shot of tonic water and fill the glass with vodka. Since my husband, who by now also knew I was in trouble with booze, set a limit on evening cocktails at 2 a night, I made sure I got enough vodka in those 2 drinks to put an elephant to sleep. And of course I continued to swig from the bottle while making the drinks. In 1992 the company I worked for went out of business and I now had a lot of time to drink with no kids or husband around. After about 8 months of hiatus from work I got very sick one morning with unbearable stomach pain. Turned out I had acute pancreatitis and was put on morphine for a week in the hospital. Within a month of this event I started drinking again. I found work again and made good money. I left my husband and took an apartment. I let a jerk of a man I thought cared for me live with me and he used me for 2 years. Took everything I had to offer, the apartment, food, sex, even babysitting for his 3 kids, until I finally kicked him out 2 years later. My husband and I got back together and I continued to drink. I lost my job because I just didn’t feel like working and knew my husband would support me. Staying at home drinking seemed ever so much more fun that going to work. That was in November of 1997. In August of 1998 I got sick again but this time my belly blew up and I looked 9 months pregnant. My legs swelled so full of water I was unable to lift them. I was diagnosed with Alcohol Hepatitis and the resulting Ascites which is excess fluid in the space between the tissues lining the abdomen and abdominal organs. Amazingly, I came back to normal with the expert help of a gastroenterologist who put me on the powerful diuretics Lasix, and Aldactone. I peed constantly for 2 weeks and lost an amazing 60 pounds in no less time! And….as I’m sure you can guess, I started drinking again soon after getting back to normal. I tried all the tricks of the trade, drinking only beer, not drinking alone, limiting my drinks all of which I failed at miserably. I am an isolator and few people have ever seen me drunk other than my family. I could very easily go out socially, have 1-2 drinks and leave only to come home and finish off a pint of vodka. I drank in the bathroom if my husband was home, else anywhere in the house I felt like it when he was not. In 2000, I actually had a year’s sobriety. We moved to California to be near our daughter and I got a wonderful job working for a missile defense think tank. In 2001 I started drinking again. Everyone who worked for that company needed to gain a Top Secret Security Clearance and so my investigation got going. After 1.5 years with still no answer on my clearance from the Dept of State, I knew they had seen my hospital and medical records and that my drinking career had made that job impossibility for me. Having any hint of alcohol or drug abuse in one’s history excludes one from clearance of any kind. I left my husband yet again and took an apartment where my drinking spiraled upward to the point that I could not go to work. In early 2002 I entered my first rehab and learned about AA. But again, I started drinking not 2 weeks after being released. I lost my job and moved back to my husband and both of us moved back to Massachusetts which is really home to us. I found work right away and we bought a condo in 2003. In the fall of 2005 I began drinking in the morning – two 16 oz beers – before going to work. I worked alone in the job I had as secretary for a VP in the employment industry. My boss was almost never in the office so it was easy for me to keep my booze secret from him. When money got tight and I feared I might not have enough for a bottle (a terrifying fear at the time) I would steal quarters out of my boss’s desk. He always dumped his change there and there was always $15-$20 in his desk. He was the nicest man to work for and is still a good friend today. Need I say how that ugly fact made me hate myself even more than already did for my so-called secret boozing. In early December I knew I needed help and one morning I called in sick then called the number on my health insurance card for a place I could go and be detoxed. They sent me to a hospital with a locked mental health unit and I stayed there for 2 weeks. Between then and the present I have gone into rehab numerous times and relapsed endless times. In January of 2008 I hit what I certainly hope was my bottom. A friend in the program once told me “Every bottom has a trap door” and I try to keep that in mind today when the thought of a drink enters my mind. My bottom was drinking myself into oblivion and falling down the stairs in the condo last January. I also fell in the hallway upstairs on the same day. From those falls I received a broken clavicle (collar bone), a torn rotator cuff, a fractured lumbar vertebrae and lots of bruises. I looked like I’d been run over by a train. I truly was a TRAIN WRECK. That incident scared me as the physical pain sidelined me on the couch for almost a month sucking down extra-strength aspirin every couple of hours for the excruciating pain in my shoulder and back. I finally went to the doctor who confirmed the injuries and set me on a course of physical recovery which is far easier than the ongoing recovery in need in mind, soul and spirit and which I am given free of charge in the wonderful fellowship of AA. I would be dead without it for sure. Today I am in relatively good health. I am a diabetic, due in no small part to the 40 years of abuse I dished out to my pancreas, and I have serious dental issues that I hope to be resolved this year. I am grateful to be alive and in one piece today and thank my Higher Power whom I know as God for keeping me alive and leading me to write this blog in an effort to stay sober. I go to a meeting every day except Sunday which I devote to being at home with my husband who has stood by me through the worst days. We’ve had our issues and neither of us is without blame for the discord in our relationship but today we get along well and appreciate each other in a way I don’t think we ever did before. I have returned to my church and have found that extremely helpful for my sobriety too. Going to meetings, asking for help and working the steps in my daily life are encouraging me to stay on my quest for lasting sobriety and I hope that 2010 is my year for a medallion!

Day 4 - Walking in Dry Places

I began my day as most of my days attending the Eye Opener meeting. I was disturbed by the presence of a woman I've known in the program for several years. By her own admission in her sharings, she has not experienced any "hard bottoms" and considers herself lucky for that fact. She seems to live a charmed life - no need to work, no money worries - and asks me questions, the answers to which she would know if she had listened or cared about my own sharings in her presence. Now there you have a perfect example of alcoholic mind set. In reality, I know very little about this woman. She may very well have problems I would consider extremely difficult. She may be too frustrated with her own alcohol issues to be fully "there" at meetings due to preoccupation with something that troubles her. I will make a point to congratulate her on her recent several year medallion and ask her how things are in her life. I will ask God to take away my selfishness and replace it with humility and caring if only for the time it takes me to show my friend that I care and that I am proud of her for her accomplishments in the fellowship. I read from several small AA daily inspirational books each morning and the reading today was especially meaningful and helpful to me as I had an overwhelming urge to drink last night. Instead of giving in I dropped to my knees, prayed for help and in less than a minute the urge had completely passed and I was back on the AA beam! Never underestimate the power of prayer. I can't imagine my life without it. Here is today's reading from WALK IN DRY PLACES from Hazelden publishing (available at most book stores) ERASING OLD TAPES: The human brain works like a tape recorder. With great fidelity, this built in recorder stores up old memories that are recalled at surprising times. There are two kinds of these "old tapes" that are dangerous to the recovering alcoholic. One dangerous old tape is a bitter memory of an unkind word that hurt us deeply. This kind of memory comes back to destroy our peace of mind or to intensidy feelings of low self-esteem. Equally dangerous is another type of old tape: the recollection of a drinking experience that may have seemed enjoyable. When we run an old tape of this kind, we are revealing that we still wish we could drink. Our recovery program shows us how to erase these old tapes. Bitter memories and resentments can be erased my forgiving the people who hurt us. We can eliminate the desire to relive pleasure in drinking experiences by looking honestly at the total effect of alcohol on our lives. We can not relive the past, but we can use the lessons of the past to make our lives what they can be today. Today, I will not be troubled by anything from the past. I can not change what happened five minutes ago,but I can refuse to entertain thoughts that will harm me. I will give you my "drunk-a-log" in my next post.

Day 3: Working On My Overhaul

Along with being an alcoholic, I am also a Type II diabetic. As with many diabetics, my diet was filled with sweets and fattening foods over the holidays and my elevated blood sugar levels was the price I paid for the indulgence. Fortunately, I’m relatively active and my sugar levels respond well and quickly to exercise and a healthy diet. My doctor has told me that “exercise is the best prescription for diabetes” and I believe her. It’s incredible to see the change in blood sugar levels after a day of moderate to heavy exercise! Monday I cleared out all the sweets in the house and started to work out at the gym. I already feel much better and have an added benefit to my recovery from the new regimen. A drink is the last thing on my mind when I leave the gym feeling healthier and more energized than when I came in. I plan to continue this regimen, allowing myself periodic “splurges” to indulge my sweet tooth to keep myself in the real world of Judi – not the artificial world of the Perfect Judi. Striving for perfection is a quality many in recovery have and it’s just so unrealistic and damning to staying on track. I’m being realistic and remind myself daily that “my best” is good enough as long as I’m really trying and applying myself to the program principles “in all my affairs”. In my next post I’ll give you as brief a synopsis as possible on my 40+ year drinking career and the jackpots, low points and utter self-hate that it brought me to. By no means am I unique from anyone with an addiction and I’ve always found it so very helpful to my recovery hearing other women (and men) share their stories which reaffirms to me every time, that I’m not alone in this boat. I need to remember always that God’s steering my boat and I need to do the rowing.

Day 2 - Gone But Never Forgotten

After a workout at the gym (my and about a gazillion others' New Years Resolutions - Daily Workouts) I attended a funeral service for Tony, a Friend of Bill's with more than 30 years sobriety and a man I knew only briefly from a meeting I attended occasionally in a neighboring town. There were at least 250 people in attendance and as Tony was in the US Air Force an honor guard too. The pastor of my own church officiated at the service held in the funeral home and I was moved to tears at the reverence and somber atmosphere that was present. You could have heard a pin drop when the honor guard retrieved the flag from Tony’s casket, unfolded then refolded it, then presented it to Tony’s daughter. I’m so glad I went. Although I didn’t know Tony well, he always spoke with such wisdom which comes only from years of experience and success in the AA program. I will remember Tony as on of “The Winners” I try to stay close to while avoiding or just tolerating the people who are not good for my soul and my recovery. At a meeting I went to last night a woman said something that describes me to a T. She said, in not these exact words; “If you have an operation it’s a minor event. If I have an operation it’s MAJOR SURGERY. That’s how my alcoholic brain sees things!” That’s so typical of alcoholic thinking and fits in the bucket with all other self promoting thoughts and behaviors I find myself constantly having to pray on and ask God to make and keep me “right-sized”. I am truly blessed. I know not all days ahead in this year will be bright but today is a great day and as I’m living one day at a time, that’s just fine with me.

Day One

Well, in true fashion, I've begun my quest. I missed the morning meeting having gotten too engrossed in the new blog. And by the time I was done setting up the blog, I was overcome by the urge for something sweet and so I finished the last of the pumpkin bread I made last week and topped it off with 2 bowls of ice cream. Oh yeah, I am also addicted to sweets. Of course, I've had that addiction since early childhood. Being abstinent from alcohol brings on the ever present craving for sweets. And eeating a load of sweets and carbs makees me sleepy so I went back to bed and slept until 11:30 AM. Fortunately, the sweets are now out of the house and tomorrow will have a better start. I'm not being too hard on myself as it could have been a glass of vodka instead of a mound of pumkin, plums and nuts held together with a bazillion calories! The morning gorge also sabotaged my efforts to get back into shape. I went to the gym for the first time yesterday and had a great workout. 30 minutes on the treadmill and an hour on weight resistance machines. Many moons ago I worked at a gym as a weight room tech and am familiar with the basics of weight resuction as it relates to calories taken in and physical exertion put out. And I have a pretty good knowledge of weight lifting technique and basic physiology and I am confident of getting to my desired level of fitness in the next few weeks and months. I have about 8 pounds to lose and lots of muscle to tighten up. I feel excelent after working out and it cuts my appetite down to size in quick fashion. Missing meetings is another story altogether and I can not afford to start missing them this time around. I have found from personal experience that there is a definite connection between making daily meetings and staying on the AA beam. It's a winning strategy. Have a good day. Judi

Welcome to My Journey to Sober Living

My name is Judi and I am an alcoholic. For more than 40 years I've known that I was an alcoholic. I just didn't have a name for my affliction until about 10 years ago. I had my 1st drink at the age of 17 and on that same day I became pregnant with my son who is 40 years old today. Over the days and weeks to come, I'll fill you in on how I came to know that I didn't drink like everyone else and how my alcoholism blossomed and became the master of my life. Fortunately, I'm in one peice today which in and of itself is a miracle since I've taken several falls breaking bones and spirit in the process. And with the exception of an isolated incident in 2006, I've been able to stay away from serious legal troubles and prison. I did serve a short sentence and I'll get into that in another post. I decided to start this blog to encourage, first myself to stay sober for the entire year and hopefully to encourage others who are also struggling with addiction which can take many forms, alcohol, drugs, sex, food to name a few. Anything that makes one powerless is an addiction and there is an answer. We're never cured but a good life free from the bonds of an addikctive task master is possible. I will do my very best to answer all posts. I wish you all a Very Happy New Year